Sunday, December 17, 2017

Breathe



December is really beautiful here. This is a photo of a farm in Owen County.  It makes me happy to look at it.  Which is really good, because I'm kind of going out of my mind these days.

We've had a bit of holiday drama this year that we are still working through.  It has given me an opportunity to stretch all of my mediation and meditation skills. 

In addition, I took a risk and made a trip to visit a few galleries that I've been interested in.  I have found one that I really love and that I would love to be a part of, but now I'm besieged with a lot of negative self talk. I know how high the quality of their art is.  I know my skills and lack thereof and I am reluctant to put myself out there for what I fear is certain rejection.  The rejection doesn't bother me as much as any judgments that might linger about my lack of skills.  What I'm really afraid of is that I fail and then when I try again, I'd be firstly recognized as not having been good enough previously.   [Does that make sense?]   Should I wait to even attempt until it's likely to be a slam dunk? [as they advise tenure applicants to do?].... Or should I just go for it and keep trying until I get it?

So much difficult thinking!   In the meantime, I do my five and a half minute meditations and I remind myself to breathe.   Just breathe.  Breathe through the conflict.  Breathe through the uncertainty.  Breathe through the disappointment.  Breathe through the anxiety.  Sometimes the breathing is all I can do to keep living my best life now.

Solstice is this next week.  I'll be doing a Letting Go ceremony here.  I do it all by myself, one quiet moment before everyone gets home.  I smudge, thank and bless the house and studio for another year.  I will release what no longer serves me to make room for what lights me up.  And I will breathe. 



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