The First Lesson

Learning how to paint echinacea

I'm taking a class called RAW by Amanda Grace right now on art journaling.  It's designed for women in recovery and the whole focus of the class is about allowing ourselves to be our whole selves, authentically, without judgement.   I'm spending a lot of time identifying the stories that my mind tells me.  It's been great.  And hard.  And amazing.  And terrifying.  And great.   Really great. 

We're in the second week of the class now and in our weekly zoom call, Amanda told a story about wanting to learn how to play tennis when she was a child.   She showed up to the first lesson and the first thing she learned was...

that she didn't know how to play tennis.  

That principle right there was totally worth the price of admission for me.  

I do that all the time.  

I want to learn something and so I take a class, or get a book or whatever, and the first thing I learn is that I don't know how to do the thing.

Which surprises me.  Because deep down, I'm hoping that I will find out that I'm secretly brilliant at that thing.  And when I turn out not to be, I feel like a failure.  

I feel ashamed, right off the bat, that I'm not good at the thing.   

And then shame takes over and my mind tells me all these stories:

• I suck
• I should never make mistakes because Mistakes Are Terrible [a toxic cultural more that Amanda pointed out in that same call]
• I should always be on the lookout for mistakes - in my work and in others.
• Avoid all mistakes all the time!  Constant Vigilance!
• It is possible to avoid mistakes all the time.
• You can't and shouldn't respect any work with mistakes in it. 
• Mistakes = failure
• One mistake can ruin an otherwise awesome thing/event/creation/conversation/project.  
• Everything should be a masterpiece.
• If something is a not a masterpiece, then it is a waste of time, resources, space, effort, etc.
• Never ever share something that is less than a masterpiece. 
• Less than a masterpiece = garbage.
• Better not to try.
• Better to be invisible.

You guys, this is a pretty accurate list of what actually goes through my mind sometimes.  Every time I hit publish to share my work, knowing I have not created one single masterpiece, is an act of courage.  An act of recovery.  An act of healing. 

Because every time we share something that is less than perfect in every way, we change the stories to these:

• I create stuff.
• Mistakes happen.
• I can overlook the mistakes in my work and in others'.
• It's not possible to avoid mistakes; in fact, one person's 'mistake' is another's 'best part of the piece'.
• You can and should love any piece of work that you wish.
• Mistakes = the human experience.
• Awesome things/events/creations/conversations/projects are about more than the sum of their parts, so don't bother looking for or remembering the rough spots.
• Everything is.  It just Is.
• Time, resources, space effort, etc. can freely be spent wherever we see fit.
• Share everything.
• Do the art, don't judge the art.
• Keep trying.
• Be visible.

Over time [we're talking years], I can feel my stories change.

It's OK if I don't have a hidden genius for joy.  Or yoga.  Or painting people.  Or keto baking.  Or html, css, IG or CTA.  Or fb pixel.  Or recovery.  

I'll figure it out.  I'll learn how to do it.

Your Comfort Zone is Stretchy

I love this season of growth and rebirth!   I swear you can hear the woods taking in deep breaths of spring air and the trees and creeks are dancing. 

This is exactly the season to try something new you've been thinking about doing but have been nervous to try. 

It's easy to get stalled.  We say, 'Oh, it's so far outside my comfort zone!' and even if we work up the courage to step outside that zone, then we often have a little buzz in the back of our minds telling us to hurry up and get back to safety. 

But what if our comfort zones were stretchy?  What if you never have to leave your comfort zone but just need to stretch it a bit to do that new thing. 

Think about that new thing for a minute.   Now imagine your comfort zone expanding to encompass you doing that.  Is it less scary? 

If you remember that stretching trick, you'll never have to go outside your comfort zone again. What things on your list would you be quicker to do if they were to stay inside your comfort zone?


I'd like to invite you to join our Best Self facebook group where we can talk freely about becoming our best selves - and all the messy work that that entails.  In addition, I have another group, The Well Balanced Artist, for creatives of all kinds and in all stages of their creative lives, who are trying to balance their art, business and personal lives.   

Mindset

I was watching Brene' Brown's second TED talk - the one where she talks about what it's like to be a shame researcher and to be vulnerable in a big public way.   Damn.  That woman is really funny. And soooo open.

At one point she asks the crowd, 'How many of you, when you're thinking about doing something vulnerable, think 'Vulnerability is weakness'?'  [4:20].  Turns out that most of us, when we think about doing something that will make us vulnerable, think that vulnerability is weakness.

However.   And this is a giant however,  when she turned the question around and asked, 'How many of you, when you see someone ELSE being vulnerable, think that was pure courage?' [4:40]

Then she states flat out that vulnerability is not weakness.  She defines vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty and states that it fuels our daily lives.    She says, 'Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage'. 

So what does this have to do with Mindset?   Consider this situation:  J. Doe really likes J. Smith and wants to spend more time together.

J. Doe has a three basic options:

• Option A: Say nothing, risk nothing, gain nothing.
• Option B: Say something, risk relationship, lose relationship
• Option C: Say something, risk relationship, gain better relationship

Mindset is what makes it possible for you to look at J. Doe and say, 'Be brave! Go for Option 3! You have so much to gain!'

...and what makes it possible for you to be J. Doe and say, '....uh...too scary!  Let's stick with Option 1. I have so much to lose!

The options are exactly the same.  The mindset is different.  In the first, the mindset and focus are on possible gains.   In the second, the mindset and focus are on possible losses. 

As I've been thinking about my best life and the changes that I have made and the ones I need to make, I think a lot about possible gains and possible losses.   New decisions are not less scary, but I am getting used to taking the risks despite the fear and I have found out that what appears to be a bottomless pit of despair if I fail, is often a very strong safety net held tight by my friends and family who cheer me on in every effort and who [surprisingly?] celebrate my courage.

This has been true when I left my job in academics, when I started my own business, when I left a toxic church situation, and when I decided to pursue a new career path in art.  Transitions were often slow and sometimes messy.  In every case, there were risks:  possible gains, possible losses.

The takeaway for me is this:  In every case where I choose to focus on gains, the outcomes put me in a better place. 

And I discovered that courage is contagious.  This is a powerful thing.

Think about the choices you are making about your best life, about pursuing your dreams.   What would you be able to do if you focused only on the possible gains? 



p.s.  I found this great article talking about more of this stuff.    

Also - I'd like to invite you to join our Best Self facebook group where we can talk freely about becoming our best selves - and all that that entails.  In addition, I have another group, The Well Balanced Artist, for creatives of all kinds and in all stages of their creative lives, who are trying to balance their art, business and personal lives.  We'd love to have you.