Play

I've been thinking a lot this year about the importance of Play. The key thing about play is that it can only happen in the absence of self-consciousness.  If you're going to play you need the freedom to do the thing without anxiety about being 'too' anything - too loud, too messy, too bold, too wasteful, too wrong, too blue, too big, too small, to many mistakes, too spread out, too 'me' or too not what someone else likes.   And without anxiety about being 'not enough' - not perfect enough, finished enough, efficient enough.

This year I've been practicing doing things un-self-consciously.  I try to do things without following patterns, with no thought about a finished project, without worrying about doing it wrong.  I'm not very good at it yet but I have been able to get to know a long neglected part of me again - the messy, inefficient, irresponsible part of me that is brave enough to try some new things and break new ground.   That's where growth happens.

Chaos

Color play: Golds, Bt Sienna, Ultramarine Blue & Dioxazine Violet

For the past year I have been doing a daily online course through DailyOM - A Year to Clear.  It's a lovely slow drip that helps people learn to tackle the mess. Soon you see that the real treasure it offers is this:  It guides you, in equal parts, to put in order your outer life and your inner life.

It's been enlightening.

I'm on day #337/365.  I realized this morning that even though I started this course to find a way to deal with the chaos of a huge, several-years-long house remodel and the never-ending mess, that in addition, what I needed to learn was to *allow* chaos into certain parts of my life. 

I need to let my studio stay messy - so that I can see the things that inspire me and so that it's easy to maintain a creative practice. Because I could not impose order on the house, I had imposed too much order on the studio. I have found a better balance now: There is one area of neatness and visual peace, with another area behind me that is a working space where I can leave the supplies and inspirations out and create on the fly. This has helped my creative practice enormously.

But there's more.

As I explored more deeply, I found that 'chaotic' was a part of myself I have kept punched way down and locked away. This class was another attempt to eradicate it from myself completely, when really what it needed was to come out and play.

Messy

I've been doing some art journaling this month in the style of Amanda Grace.  It's been a strangely addictive and satisfying process.

At the beginning I felt an equal amount of pull and resistance to the idea.   I had  a strong feeling that this was something that would be healing for me and an equally strong fear that I wouldn't do it right and that it would be ugly and reveal how ugly I am inside [which is why journaling is not something I do much in the first place]

I decided to yield to the pull, so I got some white and black gesso, some crackle paste and a set of  acrylic paints.  Everything else has come from my collection of materials for scrapbooking and altered books.

The first page was terrifying. I posted it on Amanda's facebook page just to have someone else witness that I'd at least tried... and bless them, they witnessed.

As I work on the pages, I find that I dive in with my fingers, testing to see if things are dry, smearing the gesso and color around, getting glue stick all over everything.   I don't like messy, sticky fingers, and I wash them a lot, but two minutes later I find I'm finger-painting yet again.   It's a bit like meditation, I suppose - the mind drifts, then you keep coming back to center.   I realized that 'messy' is the center I need to keep coming back to for now.

My intention for this journal is to explore my anger and though I find it very unattractive, Amanda suggested that I just explore it and leave the 'unattractive' label aside for now.   She gave me permission to go there, explore and express without judgment and I am taking her advice.

For now I do the messy work of getting to know the nuances of that part of myself and in doing so, I find that I am creating a refuge for myself.

It turns out that 'messy' can be very healing.