At the beginning I felt an equal amount of pull and resistance to the idea. I had a strong feeling that this was something that would be healing for me and an equally strong fear that I wouldn't do it right and that it would be ugly and reveal how ugly I am inside [which is why journaling is not something I do much in the first place]
I decided to yield to the pull, so I got some white and black gesso, some crackle paste and a set of acrylic paints. Everything else has come from my collection of materials for scrapbooking and altered books.
The first page was terrifying. I posted it on Amanda's facebook page just to have someone else witness that I'd at least tried... and bless them, they witnessed.
As I work on the pages, I find that I dive in with my fingers, testing to see if things are dry, smearing the gesso and color around, getting glue stick all over everything. I don't like messy, sticky fingers, and I wash them a lot, but two minutes later I find I'm finger-painting yet again. It's a bit like meditation, I suppose - the mind drifts, then you keep coming back to center. I realized that 'messy' is the center I need to keep coming back to for now.
My intention for this journal is to explore my anger and though I find it very unattractive, Amanda suggested that I just explore it and leave the 'unattractive' label aside for now. She gave me permission to go there, explore and express without judgment and I am taking her advice.
For now I do the messy work of getting to know the nuances of that part of myself and in doing so, I find that I am creating a refuge for myself.
It turns out that 'messy' can be very healing.
