Friday, April 12, 2019

Bigger

©Robin Edmundson, 'Tetrad Floral', watercolor, 24 x 18 inches. 
Unframed.  $600.

For much of my life I have tried to live under the radar.  It was safer that way.

There were a lot of rules:

  • Don't show off
  • Shine, but not too brightly
  • Be great at what you do, but not the best
  • Let men be the leaders and always defer to what they say
  • Smaller is better [translation:  Lose weight, lots of weight]
  • Invisible is good
  • Never ask for attention
  • Don't be proud of what you do
  • Big work = Big [very visible] mistakes. Work small so your mistakes are small
These rules are all shame-based and for 50 years, I was really, really good at shame.  I'm breaking a lot of these rules lately. 

I don't want you to think that I just woke up one morning and said 'Screw the rules!' and made some changes. Confronting a lifetime of shame and changing how you think [about everything!] takes a lot of courage. A lot of time. A lot of patience.  A lot of great teachers.  And a lot of baby steps.

One of these baby steps was to decide to paint bigger.  Risk bigger, visible failures. So, I bought a few blocks of larger paper so I can work in an 18 x 24 inch format, which I have found that I love.  I've been trying new subjects [more florals] and I've been playing big.  And making big mistakes.  And I don't care [as much as I used to. :)]  The painting above is one of my new, larger pieces.  It started as a color experiment while I was teaching a Color Harmonies class here at my studio.  At one point, I 'ruined' it but I kept working on it.  It was so freeing to work on that lovely big paper! Bonus - I think I'm doing better work.

Working bigger is helping me to take the next step in my healing process.  Working bigger lets me see that I can, maybe someday, live bigger and heal bigger.   

That's big.  


4 comments:

  1. Very beautiful! You should be very proud of the great work you are producing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm clapping my hands in glee here! Yay! Bravo! Hurray! (I hear you. I so hear you!)

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    Replies
    1. Oh, Bless you for that! Being heard is a powerful thing.

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