One of my loveliest friends was telling me about her 5 year old daughter, who is learning to deal with her older brother's teasing. Her brother knows exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction. My friend explained to her daughter that he was just trying to get her goat. Even so, teasing continued, goats were got, and the 5 year old's exasperation would result in screaming for him to stop.One day, the teasing started, and my friend heard her daughter scream at her brother, 'I HAVE NO MORE GOATS!'...
I'm still laughing.
You guys, this is exactly how I feel sometimes. I want to scream at the universe: STOP! I HAVE NO MORE GOATS.
No more goats for the people who complain instead of ask intelligent questions, or who complain instead of try to understand. No more goats for people who twist my words. No more goats for the people who tell me not to feel my feelings. No more goats for the people who don't want me to be who I am. No more goats for the people who don't want me to change.
No more goats for the part of me who is never satisfied with myself. No more goats for the part of me that is always on high alert. No more goats for the part of me that catastrophizes. No more goats for the part of me that says, 'yes' out of fear - and the one that is afraid to say, 'no' because it might upset the boat. In fact, I have no more goats for the boat.
I am getting out of the boat and I am getting my goats back.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about Recovery this year. Recovery is part 'from' [recovery from trauma] and part 'of' [recovery of what I have lost, which is my SELF]. I will recover my goats as I recover my self. The big question is how does one recover Self?
For me, there will be more No's and better Yeses. I will spend more time honoring myself and less time trying to make other people happy. I will start asking myself what I am doing out of fear, and what I want to do out of curiosity, excitement, learning, creativity, joy. I will listen to my Mind, Heart, Body and Soul. I will give myself all the permissions I need.
When I get my goats back, I will find new ways of keeping them. It will probably involve a lot of No. No I won't be able to do that for you. No I am not interested in participating in that. No I do not accept your treatment of me. No I do not accept your view of me and I don't care what you think I should do. No I will not drop everything to fix this for you. No I am not afraid of your feelings, and I won't protect you from my feelings. No.
I can hear my goats coming back already.
