December is really beautiful here. This is a photo of a farm in Owen County. It makes me happy to look at it. Which is really good, because I'm kind of going out of my mind these days.
We've had a bit of holiday drama this year that we are still working through. It has given me an opportunity to stretch all of my mediation and meditation skills.
In addition, I took a risk and made a trip to visit a few galleries that I've been interested in. I have found one that I really love and that I would love to be a part of, but now I'm besieged with a lot of negative self talk. I know how high the quality of their art is. I know my skills and lack thereof and I am reluctant to put myself out there for what I fear is certain rejection. The rejection doesn't bother me as much as any judgments that might linger about my lack of skills. What I'm really afraid of is that I fail and then when I try again, I'd be firstly recognized as not having been good enough previously. [Does that make sense?] Should I wait to even attempt until it's likely to be a slam dunk? [as they advise tenure applicants to do?].... Or should I just go for it and keep trying until I get it?
So much difficult thinking! In the meantime, I do my five and a half minute meditations and I remind myself to breathe. Just breathe. Breathe through the conflict. Breathe through the uncertainty. Breathe through the disappointment. Breathe through the anxiety. Sometimes the breathing is all I can do to keep living my best life now.
Solstice is this next week. I'll be doing a Letting Go ceremony here. I do it all by myself, one quiet moment before everyone gets home. I smudge, thank and bless the house and studio for another year. I will release what no longer serves me to make room for what lights me up. And I will breathe.
